Sunday, October 4, 2009

Life. Sucks.

Maybe it's the hormones of a teenage girl talking. Or maybe it's the fact every bad thing in my life seems to be coming at me full force all at once. Either way, life sucks. And I don't know how to fix it.
And maybe that is alot of my problem. I don't know how to fix it. Any of it. And it sucks.

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I live in two houses: my mom's and my dad's. And I live out of a suitcase because we switch houses every Monday.
Brittney and I have never been close. She has always been more comfortable doing things by herself and her own way. And she doesn't talk to me. On the other hand, Caitlin and I finish each other's sentences.
Dad and I have never gotten along...we are too much alike. I inherited his eyes, his sense of humor, his stubborness, and his temper. And the fuse on the bomb would be the fact that he doesn't like the fact that I am LDS.
Cindy does not make things any easier at Dad's house.
Mom is my best friend. But lately, things have been strained. We aren't as close as we once were...or maybe I just fooled myself.
Chuck went back to Tennessee in August and called things off with Mom almost a month ago. After 7 years it is strange. Especially since he was the one 'parent' that I actually seemed to get along with.

This being said...

A couple weeks ago, life went over the edge. The Beard family finally reached the tip of the iceberg and everything is now headed downhill. Brittney is speaking to a therapist and is now getting ten times more attention that she did before. I am chopped liver, and my dad tells me Brittney's problems are my fault.
Maybe I am being a little selfish...but I am being affected by all of this just as much as everyone else.

I truly hate 'family drama' (drama for lack of a better word). The worst part about all of it is that I can't talk about it. To anyone. Even though I really need to talk to someone because my brain will probably explode any minute now and I don't want the tears to start again in the middle of English class.

And I don't know what to do next.

I graduate in January and I still don't know where I am going to go for college. Should I stay in Vegas and live at home? But if I do that, will I end up living the same way as now, with both of my parents? or did my dad truly kick me out like he threatened?
Should I go out of state? If so, how am I going to pay for it?

Every option that I have tried seems to me like 'running away.' If I go out of state I don't have to deal with it. When I get a job, I will be out of the house during the day and I won't have to put up with the degradation.
But is it running away? Or is it saving myself from too much heartache?

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